There are a thousand opinions out there online that will help you discern if the guy you’re with is someone you want to marry. Of course there are the obvious reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with a person.
They are treating you poorly.
They don’t respect you.
They manipulate you to get what they need in the relationship.
They are unwilling to work through issues or take responsibility for their part in conflicts.
However, when you are with a good man that mostly treats you right, it can be hard to make the decision if this is the person you want to commit your life to.
You doubt whether you’re attracted enough or whether you’ll want to be around him in 20 years. You wonder if he’ll suddenly change and you’ll have made a wrong decision. You wonder if your lives line up enough to make things work over the long haul or if that’s even important!
And often the answer to these doubts is, Yes! Over the course of a marriage, people and their life goals change.
I want to give you three helpful questions to ask yourself to discern if this man is a good man that you can—-and here’s the key—-grow with!
Are Your life purposes aligned?
Of course to know if your life purposes are aligned, it’s important that you’ve done your own self exploration. You probably don’t know all the details right now (who does?!)
But have you always pictured yourself on a farm with 6 kids, while holding barn dances with your neighbors? And the guy your dating sees his next job in Dubai where he’s schmoozing with start up business owner’s at parties every weekend. Then your life pictures are not likely to be aligned over the long haul if they are super different or something you can’t fathom doing now.
However, if you find that you want to be the director of a foster care non-profit organization and your partner is happy to make the bulk of the money while you follow your dream to get things off the ground. He supports your cause for connecting foster care families, but he doesn’t see himself being directly involved.
Your purposes are still aligned because he’s happy to support you and vicariously supports caring for foster care families. While you might not go into business together, you can see yourselves willingly supporting the other person’s mission, whether now or in the future, separately or together.
How Does Your Body Feel When You’re With Him?-
I’m not referring to the sexual chemistry that you feel with him, but rather, what do you notice about how your body feels in his presence—-do you feel calm? Is your nervous system activated with anxiety or do you feel free to share things with him easily? Do you notice a lot of tension in your stomach or shoulders? Or do you notice that you’re able to take a nap very quickly when he’s around, whereas with others you’re too on edge?
Our bodies somatically know if a person is a good match for us and our other values lining up confirm it.
Do they show regular evidence of caring about your needs?
Does he notice that you always get your hair cut every month and a half and you’ve gone over that time, so he offers to take you on your day off? Does he have a game plan for his life that he is taking steps on and he includes you as the beneficiary of his plan? Does he want to know what is hard for you to hear in an argument so that next time he can speak in a way that doesn’t trigger you? This is a man caring for your needs in actions, not just in words.
Each of these questions will lead you towards clarity as to whether this man is a good partner for you. No list of questions will compute the exact answer for you. As women, we are highly intuitive and if you are willing to see the truth about how you are feeling with a man based on these things, your gut will often already know if you line up in the important areas for long-term potential.
However, if you struggle to hold a relationship open handed because the pull towards a specific man is very strong,
or you have doubts in your own judgement because your decisions have led you down painful roads in the past, then talking it through with a trusted person is important to clarify what is true, so that you can make a good choice that honors yourself and creates the best foundation for long-term love.
If you’d like support getting through a relationship decision, find a time on my calendar here to experience how I can support you towards healing and experience satisfying, long-lasting love.