When you’re in the throes of heartbreak, it’s easy for the mind to get really creative in how to make sense of the pain. Our mind bombards us with questions:
“What did he really mean when he said, ‘I’m his type’ in our last conversation?”
“I saw his eyes light up that one time with another woman and maybe she has something I lack?”
“Could our relationship be different if we could get over our fears in counseling?”
Heartbreak stings so bad as humans because when we open up to a person with romantic interest, there is a part of us that longs for security and exclusivity and desires love to go on forever.
As women we long for a committed love that brings security. Though it’s common to find several connections that don’t last, before we find one that does.
When we break off a relationship our deep, wired desire for long-lasting love shatters on an emotional level. Even if we know a man isn’t logically a good fit for us. Even if we’ve gone over the 3 red flags with our therapist. Even if we know our life directions just don’t line up at all, our hearts still hurt.
So our mind keeps working to find ways to keep the guy in our lives—-even if it’s just going out of your way to see his car outside his work to know he’s alive and well.
We allow him to live rent free in our minds and struggle to open to a new relationship because we’ve pinned our needs for human connection to get met on him.
If we can continue to feed the fantasy that he’ll come back when we’re good enough
or he comes to his senses
or God lets him know that we’re meant to be together,
then the dopamine we get imagining a reunion, numbs out the pain of loss.
If you’re at this place right now and you want to shorten the time to get over heartbreak. Here are 3 keys I coach clients around so they can move more quickly beyond the pain of a breakup and let it elevate them into a better version of themselves for their next relationship (or in the less common case it works to get back with their Ex)
Write Down what it is that you Lost when you Lost this Relationship - Then sit with those losses - what feelings come up? Is there any way you can give yourself something that you lost? Ie. If you lost a sense of fun—how can you create that now?
Go No Contact - Unless there is any reason like kids for contact - take a hardline approach to no contact. That means no texts, no asking his sister about him or random check ins.
Write Down Your Desires for Relationship Based on What Was Missing - What do you really desire that you didn’t get in this relationship?—Then put these in to positive true statements as if you already have a man in your life who is giving your these things now. This takes imagination, faith and feeling the feelings as if it’s happening now.
Heartbreak is hard, but I’ve seen it propel women into the best chapters of their lives. When you decide to evict your Ex from your mind because you know it’s the best way to love yourself and bless him on his way out—then your are ready for good things to come in your next chapter!
If you’d like support getting through the ending of a breakup, separation, situationship or divorce, find a time on my calendar here to experience how I can support you towards healing and experience satisfying, long-lasting love.