Most of us received tons of downloads from our family of origin: the foods we like, the way we groom ourselves, phrases we use to share excitement, the academic expectations we have, but none could be as determinant to our life’s satisfaction as our relational attachment style.
Our attachment style is imprinted into us by the kind of relational care and attentiveness we received as infants from our caregivers and it can play a major factor in our physical and relational health for the rest of our lives.
Whether you’re dating and trying to make sense of the feelings that you’re having while waiting for a man’s texts or you’re in a marriage where you feel terribly alone and not sure what to do about it—understanding attachment styles can help illuminate the dynamics you’re experiencing so that you can make better choices as to who and how you relate in your relationships.
The science of adult attachment defines 4 different attachment styles that help us to understand ourselves better, to understand our partners better and to know how we can navigate the experiences and reactions that we’re having in relationships. Each of these styles is related to the amount of security we feel to be able to be comfortable with or avoid intimacy.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
Alexa met Sam at the pool one summer and was drawn to him as she watched him lifeguard high on his stand with a confident aloofness. When he took the opportunity to spend one of his breaks with her one day, her stomach flew with butterflies at the thought of him being interested in her. He asked her to get burgers one evening, but from that point on, Alexa began to be the one who was most interested in keeping their connection going. Though they had fun together, she would anxiously wait to get his texts and not be able to focus at work. When they spent all weekend together, she couldn’t believe that afterwards he didn’t want to see her for a whole week. Her anxiety was so high, she didn’t know if she could tolerate being in a relationship where she felt so unsure of Sam’s desire to be with her.
Alexa has an anxious attachment style that causes her to feel insecure about another person wanting to be with her. Anxious attached people often fall for people that don’t give them the time of day or the kind who show up with intensity one day and drop off the next. Even though she feels bad while being with this type of partner, she doesn’t believe that she’ll be able to find anyone else as good. In cases like this they attempt to re-establish contact at any cost believing that contact will calm their anxiety.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
James and Karen have been dating for 2 months. At first he found Karen really attractive and felt she was a bit of a challenge to win over. However, once she started really taking an interest in spending most of her time with him, James began have major doubts about her. His mind started to jump to his past relationship or the woman at work that he enjoyed talking to so much on breaks. When Karen asked him where he saw the relationship going, he responded that he’s not sure that he’s ready for a relationship. When Karen accepted his answer and said that she wanted to date other men because she’s looking for a relationship, James began to miss her and reached out to her to spend time together again.
James has an avoidant attachment style where he uses distancing strategies to create space in the relationship where he grows uncomfortable with the amount of closeness. Avoidant attached people tend to use strategies such as thinking the grass was greener with an Ex, pulling away when things are going well, being unavailable to meet their partner’s needs, flirting with another to introduce insecurity, avoiding physical closeness, having an resistance to clarify a relationship etc. They have learned from childhood to suppress their needs for intimacy and maintain distance from people they love. Often it’s because they equate closeness with the feelings of engulfment or pain.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
Kristoff and Sara started out as friends. When Kristoff recognized his feelings for her, he asked her out on a date. Sara hadn’t thought of him that way, but she was open to getting to know him, even if he wasn’t the exact man she had in mind on her list of qualities. Over time, Sara found her feelings growing deeper towards Kristoff because of the way he was attentive to her needs and she felt free to be completely herself. She even appreciated how quickly they resolved conflict, because he had a way of showing up so consistently with her.
Kristoff and Sara are securely attached. A secure person feels comfortable with intimacy or closeness. They don’t obsess much with how the relationship is going or if their partner is going to love them back. When they encounter a problem, they want to resolve it and feel confident to do so. They tend to trust the other person more readily and not make the other person’s behavior mean something about their value. They are more free to incorporate playfulness, flexibility and sensitivity to their partner.
ANXIOUS/AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
This person is uncomfortable with closeness and is very concerned about a partner’s availability. This is a more uncommon attachment style that is a combination of anxious and avoidant. They have trouble trusting others for feelings of safety. They feel unworthy of support and presume that others won’t support them.
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As you read these, you’ll probably recognize one of these styles as your primary way of operating in relationships. While it’s been shown that people in secure relationships are often happier, deal with less drama, stress and resolve conflict more quickly—-if you don’t identify as secure—-there is hope to change your style!
The good news is that , with intentionality and hard work anxious and avoidant styles can experience healing in relationships that lead them to operate more securely. This requires both partners to have awareness around their styles, to understand the importance of working together for the benefit of the couple and each individual, while taking—at times—instinctively opposite actions to increase the feeling of safety in the relationship. For example the anxiously attached dater will best benefit from dating a securely attached partner (even though this may not be the person they area initially most attracted to) , because they will experience consistency, comfort and trustworthiness that can help them to heal the root causes of their anxiety.
As Annie Tanasugarn talks about the effects of attachment styles here, she says, “What we learn in life often sticks throughout our lives, for good or for bad. Until we choose to make those changes.”
So if you’re ready to choose differently, the next time you’re going out on a date or want to work to understand your partner better—it may be worth asking, “Hey Baby, What’s your attachment style?”
If you’d like support on your journey in shifting your attachment style to attract or create a more secure relationship, reach out here to experience a coaching conversation.