3 Questions to Ask to Know If This Relationship is For You

There are a thousand opinions out there online that will help you discern if the guy you’re with is someone you want to marry. Of course there are the obvious reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with a person.

They are treating you poorly.

They don’t respect you.

They manipulate you to get what they need in the relationship.

They are unwilling to work through issues or take responsibility for their part in conflicts.

However, when you are with a good man that mostly treats you right, it can be hard to make the decision if this is the person you want to commit your life to.

You doubt whether you’re attracted enough or whether you’ll want to be around him in 20 years. You wonder if he’ll suddenly change and you’ll have made a wrong decision. You wonder if your lives line up enough to make things work over the long haul or if that’s even important!

And often the answer to these doubts is, Yes! Over the course of a marriage, people and their life goals change.

I want to give you three helpful questions to ask yourself to discern if this man is a good man that you can—-and here’s the key—-grow with!

1. Are Your life purposes aligned?

   Of course to know if your life purposes are aligned, it’s important that you’ve done your own self exploration. You probably don’t know all the details right now (who does?!)

   But have you always pictured yourself on a farm with 6 kids, while holding barn dances with your neighbors? And the guy your dating sees his next job in Dubai where he’s schmoozing with start up business owner’s at parties every weekend. Then your life pictures are not likely to be aligned over the long haul if they are super different or something you can’t fathom doing now.

   However, if you find that you want to be the director of a foster care non-profit organization and your partner is happy to make the bulk of the money while you follow your dream to get things off the ground. He supports your cause for connecting foster care families, but he doesn’t see himself being directly involved.

   Your purposes are still aligned because he’s happy to support you and vicariously supports caring for foster care families. While you might not go into business together, you can see yourselves willingly supporting the other person’s mission, whether now or in the future, separately or together.

2. How Does Your Body Feel When You’re With Him?-

   I’m not referring to the sexual chemistry that you feel with him, but rather, what do you notice about how your body feels in his presence—-do you feel calm? Is your nervous system activated with anxiety or do you feel free to share things with him easily? Do you notice a lot of tension in your stomach or shoulders? Or do you notice that you’re able to take a nap very quickly when he’s around, whereas with others you’re too on edge?

   Our bodies somatically know if a person is a good match for us and our other values lining up confirm it.

3. Do they show regular evidence of caring about your needs?

   Does he notice that you always get your hair cut every month and a half and you’ve gone over that time, so he offers to take you on your day off? Does he have a game plan for his life that he is taking steps on and he includes you as the beneficiary of his plan? Does he want to know what is hard for you to hear in an argument so that next time he can speak in a way that doesn’t trigger you? This is a man caring for your needs in actions, not just in words.

Each of these questions will lead you towards clarity as to whether this man is a good partner for you. No list of questions will compute the exact answer for you. As women, we are highly intuitive and if you are willing to see the truth about how you are feeling with a man based on these things, your gut will often already know if you line up in the important areas for long-term potential.

However, if you struggle to hold a relationship open handed because the pull towards a specific man is very strong,

or you have doubts in your own judgement because your decisions have led you down painful roads in the past, then talking it through with a trusted person is important to clarify what is true, so that you can make a good choice that honors yourself and creates the best foundation for long-term love.

If you’d like support getting through a relationship decision, find a time on my calendar here to experience how I can support you towards healing and experience satisfying, long-lasting love.

Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.